“NO PROBLEM BOO. YOU TAKE CARE”
“THAT’S OKAY. NEVERMIND. YOU BE BLESSED”
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. I’LL BE ALRIGHT.”
NO, THIS IS NOT AN INSTANCE OF YOU TELLING YOURSELF “IF I CAN’T GET IT DONE RIGHT, I’LL DO IT MYSELF” No it ain’t that.
This is us perpetuating something known as “Black Pain.”
“ARE YOU EXPERIENCING BLACK PAIN? ARE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE WITH GOING WHITE, EVEN IF (FOR YOU) IT DOESN’T FEEL “RIGHT?” ARE YOU SUDDENLY IN DENIAL, MORE COMFORTABLE WITH TELLING YOUR FRIEND “NEVERMIND, THANK YOU. I GOT IT”
AS APPOSED TO, “CAN WE DISCUSS THIS SO THAT WE EXPERIENCE A WIN -WIN AND MAINTAIN OUR VALUED RELATIONSHIP?” DOES THAT SWITCH ON YOUR MIND’S WALL TURN YOUR BRAIN TO DARKNESS BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE? BECAUSE YOU’RE SO USED TO AND BRAINWASHED BY THIS GO-HARD WORLD WITH ITS GO-HARD OVERTONES, SO MUCH SO THAT IT HAS TRANSFORMED YOU INTO AN UNREASONABLE WENCH? IF THIS IS YOU, CALL 999-9999 FOR THE PILL TO FIX IT ALL! THATS 999-9999 FOR THE PILL TO FIX ALL YOUR BLACK PAIN/THAT IS, YOUR HATRED OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
“BLACK PAIN” is a term I learned from Terrie Williams. Terrie is a liaison (I like to call her) to the stars. She handled publicity, and practically managed people like Johnny Cochran, Eddie Murphy, and the long list of celebs we all know. I’m grateful to know Terrie as somewhat of an industry associate, since she happens to be from my hometown, Mt Vernon, since she’s a fellow author who has also received awards at the world’s biggest book convention, since, since I’m friends with her nephew, and since I’ve taxied her thru the streets of NY (once) and should I mention (of course) I’ve also read her first book “Personal Touch.” The book changed my life, as well as so many others. One of Terrie’s other books is called “Black Pain,” ho we hide our problems, pressures and imperfections. While Black Pain has become that terminology that
addresses our saying (to the world at large) “I’m perfectly okay,” (even when we’re not) I’ve seen it as a cancer in another ways, how we adopt that “fuck you I don’t need you” attitude, which often times escalates into beef, or just two parties going their separate ways and not building together for greater rewards. In other words, we don’t know how to communicate, and so we snap and (by default) adopt the “fuck-it/fuck-you/I don’t need you” state of mind.
I’ve seen it in the most PRIZED HUMAN BEINGS, who on one side can show the world their star-attitude, and hidden from the world is the 
ugly side that one or two people might have privilege to experience. Yes, this happens with lovers alot, ESPECIALLY Black lovers. But White folk are SO different! White folk can cuss each other out, and be friends the next day, as if they were from the same parents. White folk will fight one day and buddy-up the next. Hell, White divorce (not in every case) can even find the former Mr & Mrs at a restaurant dining with the new counterparts, as if its one big happy family. Can Black folk get along like that? Maybe in isolated circumstances, where there’s a convenient stream of revenue? Say, like in the Quincy Jones family?
I ALREADY KNOW WHY
I don’t need to ask why we do this because I know well why we do this. We easily adopt to a state of denial because of the pain. it may be the pain of loss or discouragement or some past experience that has shown us hurt for disease. and this disease is horribly viral; it even spreads into other ways and means in how we deal and communicate with one another, other religions and nationalities as well. Blacks frown on Mexicans. And Mexicans speak their language rebelliously or to keep secrets. if it’s not the nationalities or the color lines then it is classizm, where we judge the next person based on how they dress or what car they drive or whether they live in a high-rise, in a mansion, or in a motorhome. Its so much deeper than this surface conversation, precisely when it reaches into the “frames” that we grew up in (the what, where, who and how we believe) and adopted and perpetuated over the decades, even by no fault of our own.
You read months ago where I was in the Jacuzzi with (I’ll call her “SheMan”) and i offered her a book that might help her in her weightlifting
passions, only to have her Black-out and spit a couple of hood-heavy quotes at me: “I ain’t got time fo’ that” and “miss me with that bullshit,” she blurted; a woman clearly brainwashed by reality shows and hiphop radio… #nutcase And that nonsense took place because I offered her a free book???
IT GETS RACIAL
On other occasions things do get colorful. in a Black/White way. i’m in Starbucks a lot and there’s a few pretty Black women (or so they’d like to believe) who will immediately run to the White guy (likely any White guy?) who she assumes can offer her assistance before running to me, the “Black guy,” who respectively may (and I said MAY) have more resources than 3 White guys. Depends on who they are and what those resources are, of course. But the Black woman will pass right by me for something as simple as helping them get online with a computer or, it could be more complicated where I need to go and get my jumper cables to help them get their car started. I mean, Black men have jumper cables too, don’t they? (Not to mention cars.) I remember on one occasion when a guy couldn’t turn his car alarm off and I walked up to his expression that was in fear of me rather than recognizing my ability to assist him. So, no this is not just a male/female practice, but I must admit it will be the females who commit to these acts of bias or they easily surrender to the “default” and practice that they know so well;
a practice that women not only inflict on one another, but one that we also know as “The Willie Lynch Syndrome” whereas light-skinned Blacks and Dark-Skinned Blacks engage in a sort of in-fighting.
I mean, I am keeping in mind that my current surroundings are the deep South, and that the deep South has its own past as well as its own pace and progression, whether you consider that fast or slow is subjective and irrelevant. So much is random today, so I cannot generalize and say that “all of the South is ignorant” or that “all of the South likes to dance or prefers pick up trucks and pork ribs,” but then again certain geographical areas have certain trends and practices. We at least have got to know that. We’ve at least gotta know that there are arteries of hate that exist in our day-to-day surroundings. You’d be blind not to realize it.
SPECIFICS
I know two specific incidents where a woman has passed over me to either ask for advice or help or resources from a White guy, only to have that same man turn to ask me for the help/information/ resources that she wanted from him! A few other Black women seem to have it in their constitution where they refuse to talk to Black men. Instead of smile when they pass… instead of engage in any conversation for whatever reason, those same women will easily surrender or submit to conversation with Mr. White, even if I happened to personally know him to be a pervert. Funny also, how the same women frown upon other Black women their tastes and clothes or coffee. Again, so many variations to this puzzle, and too broad and too complex to address it all in short report. But it is interesting to see the expressions on the faces of OTHER women when they see me engaging with upward-mobile/progressive women who DO know me and who DO speak to me and show me love. (hugs, kisses, etc)
The expressions change at that point: “what does she know that I don’t know?”
Family, there are just so many levels to how people interact. however, at least in this note I am addressing our “Black pain.”because where Terrie says her “Black Pain” is that hidden hurt that festers inside of us/even when we are very hurt, hidden by our smiles and such, our “Black Pain” as a people is also hidden, and carries a heavy burden and yet (at least to me) so very obvious.
I DON’T DO BUSINESS WITH BLACK PEOPLE
I have a client who is a black man, stuck in his ways, his fancy car and traditional ways and means; and the day we met he told me straight up “I usually do not do business with black people.” By the way he’s still a client to this day, so I must have some extreme talent to overcome his personal cancer. #takingbow But we have all seen many occasions where Black women refuse to date Black men. Forget about the Law of Correspondence that keeps us all together, clustered and in agreement with one another, whether you are a group of doctors, farmers, lawyers, a group of Blacks, Whites, Asians, Hispanics or Africans… Forget all of that common, everyday practice that has been in existence since the beginning of time. Sure, go deep into your denials and your futile fight… that uphill climb. Forget all of that scientific fact.
What this boils down to is very clear to me. I could dissect situations like these all day long and weed out the seeds of bias and hatred, jealousy, envy and even misery. I receive none of that however because (as you may already know) I have been there and done that in my life. I am successful, traveled, connected, skilled, and a sponge of good and bad experiences. It’s also easy for me to pick out the confused
folk, and I can easily give them a pass because they know not what or why they do what they do. I either love them like they are, or love them from a distance. For me, its “live & let live.” Always.
LESSONS
Meanwhile, all of these encounters, have however taught me so much about human beings. when you get here to where I am in life you can look at things with that transparent power, its a resource unlike any other. You begin to accept people for who and how they are. If some random Black woman mows me down to get to the “other guy,” and decides to try and milk that his brain for information he may not even have, then so be it. Maybe he has time to ponder about the things she’s pondering about. And they both can wonder and ponder together. They both can go into the great blue “wonder,” so to speak. In some instances they may be saving me quality time because I see that as an important resource of mine. Time and time well-spent. Thats time I give to my clients; when they pay me to do this, I do this, this and THAT. Even if they are unappreciative, eventually they see it. On the other hand, you could be allowing me room to concentrate on the work I’m doing. either way, I look at it all and laugh and I make assessments and it all accumulates and broadens my perspective on life and how people tick. And let’s keep it real, understanding how people tick is what makes a great writer; a great creator.
MY REMEDY FOR YOUR PAIN
So while you read this, and if you’re lookin for typos, but for your want to criticize me, I should say: you’re welcome, thank u and I appreciate u. My life is not about embracing your issues or your lack of communication. If I can’t help you then I’ll do just like the Romans and surrender to this “Black Pain practice;” I’ll “mind my business and be on my way. And do I feel slighted by the woman running away from me? Do I feel hurt that she has gravitated to where she feels there are resources? Am I bothered when you go into default mode and say “to hell with him and his talent and his experience I can get it somewhere else?” or “I don’t do business with Black people…” or “I don’t date Black men;” am I concerned that you have accepted the practice of miscommunication and have easily embraced your Black pain-default switch? Family, I am neither slighted, bothered or concerned with why we act the way we do. Again, I merely laugh at it and learn from it and groom my own understanding of how you to pick.
Somebody out there is saying “he thinks he knows it all.”
And you know what, considering my successes and my failures, my strong relationships and my weak ones, my firm following and my fickle fellowship, you’re absolutely right: I do know it all. I know all there is to know about me, what I want in my life, and how I choose to deal with others. What I don’t know, I am learning by enjoying it as if this life was all improv, preparing me in my scripted, continued navigation thru the dark and the light. I know I went in deep on disparities in communication amongst our own, but that’s what it is folks. This is our truth. The comics tell jokes about it. The movies dramatize it. I write it in all of its painful detail. If you fit the shoe, it’s yours. You own it. whatcha gonna do about it? You gonna change the way you communicate? Hmmm… not if you’re set in your ways!
Family, I’ll tell you this: If we don’t start looking at people for who they are as a whole, as opposed to some shallow perspective, such as what they wear or how they look, then we are performing at a shallow rate of humanity. if we don’t start communicating a little better instead of cowering into the corner when communication goes sour, then we really don’t know how to love. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what color you are, what age you are, or what your sex and religion is… it doesn’t matter if you live in New York or Atlanta, Cali or Boston… It only matters that you are part of the light.
#Relentless #terriewilliams #blackpain
